


So I won't say I love you if you don't

by Mariije



Category: Phandom
Genre: Dan has trouble talking about his feelings, Domestic Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Jealous Danny, M/M, Pining, Pining Dan Howell, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-03-11 06:46:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13518732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mariije/pseuds/Mariije
Summary: But even after the small changes, the big things didn’t change. They still lived together, they were still best friends, they still cared for each other over anyone else. And even though they didn't date each other, they didn’t date anyone else either.Until now, that is.--ORDan is comfortable with his life with Phil, thinking that maybe Phil just always knew what Dan thought, and maybe Phil always felt just the same even though they never really talked about any of it. But when Phil starts going on dates with someone else, Dan realizes that maybe Phil wasn't really aware of Dan's feelings after all. And if so, Dan had to do something about the situation. And soon.





	1. Cause lately I was thinking I never told you

**Author's Note:**

> Title from song Nervous from Gavin James.
> 
>  
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

“So, is this thing serious?” Dan asked, with a careless smile on his face, even though his heart was pumping faster. “This thing with her?” he continued not wanting to say the girl’s name, which was of course childish and dumb, but he couldn’t care less at the moment.

“I don’t know”, Phil said nonchalantly and shrugged, but didn’t deny it, which made Dan’s skin crawl. You see, Phil – and Dan too sometimes – went on dates every now and then, but they never turned out to be anything serious. Usually the guys or girls ended up being just friends and usually lost touch at some point in the near future, and that’s what had kept Dan’s anxiousness at bay. Well until now at least.

This time though, Phil had seen the same girl many times now and they were still dates, and not just ‘hang outs’. So yeah, Dan was getting antsy. To which he had no right to of course. After all, Dan had had his chance in the past, but he blew it, so he didn’t have any right to be anything other than supportive of his best friend.

There had been a time in the beginning, when they first met, when they had flirted and exchanged fleeting kisses, even made out few times when they were drunk. But Dan hadn’t been ready for… Well anything. He had been too messed up and too clueless of who he was as a person, what he thought of himself or anything really, to not get freaked out by the feelings he was experiencing – maybe for the first time in his life. So, he had stopped it and told Phil about his fears and thoughts, to which Phil had been his usual amazing self and understood. He had petted Dan’s arm and said that it was okay and that he would wait for Dan to be ready, that there was no hurry.

Phil had said he would wait, but then months and eventually years went by and when Dan was finally starting to be okay with himself, it felt like it was too late. They were best friends, had been for years. They were almost too close, and everything was just a bit too good to be risked over something that had been so fleeting. Something that Dan sometimes wondered being all just in his head, that maybe they had always been just best friends and that there had never been anything else there. And more than once Dan had hoped that it would all in his head, just a fantasy, because it would’ve made the situation he found himself in years after easier. It would’ve been easier to look at Phil and long for something that had never been there, knowing the other person had never felt the same. But knowing Phil had wanted Dan the way Dan wanted him now - or maybe just finally got the courage to admit feeling - made it so much harder.

For a time, maybe year or two, maybe longer, Phil had been waiting. He had looked at Dan with reassuring eyes and had given Dan time to lean in if he wanted to, given him time to reach out and close the distance between them. Phil had kept on touching Dan effortlessly and his smile always stayed so supportive. Then few years passed and one day Dan noticed that somewhere down the line these things had changed. Not tragically, but in small ways, like how Phil didn’t keep the eye contact as long anymore, how he looked away easier. He didn’t deepen the look, he just smiled and turned away. Phil had also stopped touching Dan the same way, he didn’t avoid touching Dan, but he didn’t try either. He did still press his shoulder against Dan’s when they were sitting close and he still reached out if Dan was about to fall or needed someone to calm him down. But he didn’t touch Dan’s back while walking past him in the kitchen or lean into his shoulder when laughing. Now he leaned back instead.

And the smile that had been supportive had somehow turned into understanding one.

Dan couldn’t pinpoint when the change had happened or the reason why it had happened, and if there had been something that changed it. If Dan had done something or if Phil had just found his feelings and thoughts changed. Dan didn’t know when Phil had stopped waiting, since Dan had been too occupied trying to get his shit together. Of course, Dan had to put himself first and it was obvious to both of them that Dan had been too young and too messed up back then, and if Phil changed his mind about waiting, he had every right for it. It hadn’t been fair to begin with, how Dan had allowed Phil to ‘wait for him’. Yet after all of it, all the soul-searching and existential crises, it felt just a bit like a waist, if Dan didn’t get Phil in the end.

But even after the small changes, the big things didn’t change. They still lived together, they were still best friends, they still trusted each other more than anyone else. They still didn’t really date anyone else either.

Until now, that is.

For past couple of years Dan had got too comfortable with the situation. After noticing the change, he did want to talk to Phil but kept putting it off, until he managed to talk himself into thinking that there was no need for a conversation. That hey were fine. That everything was great between them and how Dan decided that nothing didn’t really need to change more than it already had. It was safer to just let things be, to not have any awkward conversations where there was always the possibility of Phil telling he had really changed his mind and he could no longer see Dan as anything else than a friend. It was safer to just let things be and stay in the limbo, where Dan could still make up thing in his mind, like what Phil was thinking when they were sat next to each other on the sofa. Dan could still imagine how Phil would feel as deeply for him as Dan felt for Phil. He could imagine that they just weren’t affectionate people, but that the love was always there.

Sometimes Dan thought how it almost seemed as if they would actually be together even though they never actually talked about it. He thought how easy it was to fool himself. He could imagine them being almost like a couple, if he really tried and if he really squinted his eyes. He could see it in the little things that had become routine throughout all those years of living together. How they cooked for each other, how they watched movies together, ate breakfast together, asked each other’s opinion on anything they were wondering or if they had any doubts about anything. How they brought the other person when others brought their boy or girlfriends.

With those big things, which stayed constant, Dan felt comfortable enough to not disrupt that piece and not risk shattering all that was good. Until Phil actually took a liking to someone else which of course shattered those nice images in Dan’s head. The possibility of them always feeling the same even though they never said it aloud. It had been yet one of those set up dates by a friend, which they sometimes agreed to out of politeness. But only through this girl it occurred to Dan that maybe it had never been out of politeness to Phil. Maybe he had actually been open for something more than just a nice and friendly date. And that thought made Dan’s stomach drop.

Dan had been happy to just do it to be nice, and to not always turn down other people trying to set him up, but he had always known that he wouldn’t really be looking for anything more. It wasn’t that Dan was completely shutting himself from seeing anyone else than Phil and sometimes he did get interested in some people, but it never lasted that long. Phil was the only one he never grew tired of or lost his interest from. Phil was always interesting and funny. And if Dan ever made the mistake of comparing anyone else to Phil, he realized how no one seemed to be a match for Phil. Not even close.

So, it would be an understatement to say that it sucked when Phil actually seemed to really like this girl and came home all smiles and giggles after their dates. It made Dan extra moody and made him act childish, half ignoring Phil, so he would have to work harder for Dan’s attention. He was being petty, he knew that, but every time when Phil kept poking his cheek or calling his name in different voices and tones until Dan turned to look at him, it made something warm spread in Dan’s chest. It made him feel a tad calmer again, like it might turn out all right after all.

So, what if he was acting petty and childish? So be it, if it would give Dan the hope that it wasn’t too late after all.

\--

Dad did know that he should’ve just talked with Phil right when he noticed that Phil was actually interested in the girl. He should’ve sat the man down and tell him: ‘hey so remember when you said you’d wait for me and all that, and even though we never talked about it since, I have kinda been carrying the torch for you all this time. So how about you cancel that date and we’ll see what we have been missing this whole time?’

But of course, Dan didn’t get around to do it. But it wasn’t like there hadn’t been any opportunities. They spend most of their time together, for Christ sake, so there were plenty of times when they were already sitting on the sofa and neither of them were doing anything super important. But instead of telling Phil about his feelings and ask if he should just forget about it or if there was still a change that Phil saw him that way too, Dan just asked if Phil wanted to start watching this new anime he wanted to see, or if Phil had ideas for the next gaming video.

Basically, Dan just kept putting it off, saying to himself he would talk to Phil tomorrow, and just hoping Phil would stop going to these dates with the girl, so Dan wouldn’t need to have the talk at all. He hoped Phil would come home one day and tell him it wasn’t going to work out. Dan imagined how he could then tell him that he was relieved, and the Phil would understand how Dan felt. He hoped Phil would just realize everything without Dan having to say or do anything. Without Dan having to put himself on the line and risk all that was good.

Yet, Phil didn’t stop going on those dates and he didn’t read Dan’s mind, so eventually Dan had to admit that he actually had to do something, or he would lose Phil for real. And he had to do something soon.


	2. Oh I guess we had an expiration date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan struggles with wanting to tell Phil what he's actually thinking and feeling, but doesn't seem to be able to just open his mouth and speak. Phil is a total sweetheart, yet clueless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy!

“You’ve been seeing her a lot”, Dan said nonchalantly one day, when he and Phil were chilling in the lounge, both on their laptops. Phil raised his eyes from the screen and looked at Dan with raised eye brows. “You guys getting serious?” Dan asked, trying his best to seem casual.

“I don’t know, maybe”, Phil shrugged, making Dan’s chest feel funny. “Why do you ask?” Phil asked then and didn’t return the relaxed smile Dan was trying his best to keep on his face. “Can’t I ask?” Dan gave out a laugh but had to look down on his laptop for a moment for Phil to not notice the nervousness.

“You’ve never been interested in my dating life before”, Phil pointed out, making Dan more nervous with how Phil was taking the conversation kind of seriously and not smiling and grinning like usually no matter the subject. “They never seemed serious”, Dan said without thinking more about it.

Phil looked at him a bit funny, but Dan couldn’t really identify what his expression meant. “So, it had to be something serious to get you jealous, huh”, Phil said then, suddenly playful grin on his face, but something told Dan that it wasn’t completely genuine. He got the feeling that Phil was trying to wind him up, make him deny it and drop the subject.

But for once Dan wasn’t backing down or covering his awkwardness with jokes. Not now that he finally had gotten the guts to talk about the whole subject. So, Dan didn’t reply anything, just kind of shrugged and turned back to his laptop. He could feel Phil’s eyes on him, waiting for him to look back or say something, but Dan didn’t want to back down and didn’t have the courage to look at Phil in the eyes at that moment. At least without blushing.

“It’s not like I’m twenty anymore, Dan”, Phil continued after few minutes, when Dan had already thought that the conversation had ended. “Can’t expect to be living with a roommate for the rest of my life”, Phil joked, but something in his words were as if meant to snap Dan back to reality. Or give him piece of his own medicine or something like that.

_Why not?_ Dan almost asked, but stayed silent instead, just humming quietly as an answer. The words stung, they took a grip of Dan’s lungs and made him chest feel shallow, but what could he say? That he had never even thought about living with anyone else than Phil. That he never wanted to think about that in the future either. Even when Dan hadn’t thought about the romantic side of their lives, he had never thought of them being apart. Even if Phil wouldn’t think of Dan that way, he still hadn’t thought about how their lives could result to Phil moving out one day.

\--

Needless to say, that Dan grew even more anxious and when one night, Dan was feeling particularly down about the whole situation, he sneaked into Phil’s room in the middle of the night complaining of not being able to sleep because of the scary movie they had watched. Dan had been antsy alright, when he had left the lounge and had to turn off the lights and run down the dark corridor, but he wasn’t actually scared to sleep by himself. But it felt like a good excuse as any to ask to sleep next to Phil.

“It wasn’t that scary”, Phil snorted from under the covers, the light of the phone being the only sign for Dan to find his way to the bed. Yet Phil just lifted the covers and let Dan crawl under them, laying on his side, facing Phil’s profile. “You haven’t had trouble sleeping on your own in a long while”, Phil said then, maybe feeling like he had to say something because Dan kept looking at him, or maybe he just thought talking would ease Dan’s mind.

“I guess”, Dan said quietly and pulled the covers up, so only his eyes were showing. “I guess it’s been a while since I slept here the last time”, Dan mused and felt a little bit overwhelmed with Phil’s scent suddenly surrounding him all over. He did still have trouble sleeping every now and then, but at some point, he had stopped bothering Phil in the middle of the night and just stayed in his own bed. And for the first time it occurred to Dan that maybe those small changed hadn’t been all Phil, but Dan too. “I don’t know why I stopped”, Dan said before really thinking about it making Phil glance at him maybe a bit surprised but returned to his phone soon enough.

“Everything okay?” Phil asked after a moment, not turning to look at Dan but didn’t seem to be that concentrated on his phone anymore either. “Apart from being scared of a movie, which made you laugh for several occasions”, he added teasingly to not seem too serious, but mainly to express that he had seen through Dan’s reason to come to his room after all this time.

“Mmm, yeah everything’s fine…” Dan mumbled, suddenly feeling tired and a bit emotional, hiding under the covers from Phil and from the world. He did want to talk to Phil, he did want to tell him what he had been worrying about for weeks, but again it felt like too much. Like it was just too risky, and like Dan didn’t have the courage or energy to take on that risk.

“You can talk to me about it. About everything”, Phil said quietly, as if knowing what Dan had on his mind, but of course he didn’t. Because if he did, he would’ve scooped Dan into his arms and hugged him tightly and told him everything’s going to be all right, no matter if he’d feel the same or not. And it was silly, that even though Dan knew that’s what Phil would do if he would speak up now, he still couldn’t make himself open his mouth and just talk to Phil.

“Mm…” Dan mumbled from under the covers and inhaled the soothing smell from the covers. “Maybe tomorrow”, he said then, even though he didn’t really believe he would have any more courage then than he had now.

“Okay, Dan”, Phil said from next to him, his voice so soft and caring, and then he brought his hand on Dan’s hair and petted it gently. The way he used to so long ago, when Dan was still so young and so lost. During a time when Phil would sit there next to him and pet his hair just to make sure Dan knew he wasn’t alone.

“Thanks for always being there for me”, Dan said, since saying ‘I love you’ would’ve been too much. His voice came out a bit choked, but Dan hoped Phil didn’t hear it or pay attention to it. “Of course”, Phil smiled and slightly ruffled Dan’s hair before withdrawing his hand. “Now sleep”.

As Dan suspected, he never got around to talk to Phil the next day. Phil did give Dan opportunities when it would’ve been easy, but he knew Dan well enough to not ask about it. Dan would talk if he would talk. Asking or pushing it never did anything good. So, they ended up wasting the day on Mario kart, ordering pizza and watching movies. And for a moment Dan could imagine as if there was nothing else in the world but them, no responsibilities, no work, no other people to take Phil’s attention away. Just them. Even if it was just for a moment.

 

Of course, the moment of peace came to its end, and Dan and Phil had to return to their responsibilities. Which meant Phil eventually left for yet another date. They had already filmed a video that day which Dan was editing it in the lounge, when Phil walked past the door, just yelling he was off.

“What time are you coming back? And are you eating, or should I order something for when you get back?” Dan yelled after Phil, which made the steps stop and slowly return to the lounge doorway. “I’m gonna eat dinner, so go ahead and order for yourself if you like”, Phil said with a smile on his face, yet it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “And uhm, I don’t know what time… I might stay the night”, Phil spoke, with a tad too happily for it to be completely genuine.

It took a moment for the words and their meaning to register in Dan’s brain, and even when they did, Dan couldn’t make himself to do or say anything. It was awkward, and things were never awkward between them. At least in the way, that they couldn’t just laugh it off, make it funny, make it a joke. Neither of them was laughing now.

“Oh, okay”, Dan said finally smirking very awkwardly, and turning to look at his laptop again, at their grinning faces on the screen. Just an hour ago they had been laughing and joking and everything had felt normal and great. And suddenly it felt like very distant memory. “Have fun then, see you tomorrow”, Dan gave out a forced laugh, but couldn’t make himself to look at Phil more than a second. Phil did stand there for a moment, just waiting for Dan to look at him, or maybe wondering if he should say or do something for the situation to stop being awkward. But in the end, Phil just turned on his heels and disappeared from the doorway. “Bye then, see you”, Phil shouted from the front door, again voice too chirpy and happy, even though Dan was sure that he was feeling awkward and weird too.

Well wasn’t that just great.

On top of not being able to talk to Phil and make him aware of Dan’s feelings, Dan had made things weird. And something in Dan’s gut was telling him – yelling at him – to not let Phil walk away. Telling him to run after him, call him, ask him to come back, anything… As long as he didn’t let Phil get away, for god’s sake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise things start happening on the next episode!
> 
> Comments and kudos are always welcome! x


	3. I didn't know the words in front of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan finally does something, but unfortunately it's probably not the smartest way to handle things...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy!

Dan had been pacing around the lounge for twenty minutes, since Phil had dropped the news and left. Dan was glaring at his phone on the sofa, where Dan threw it a moment ago, trying to keep himself from doing something stupid. Yet every time he thought about the possibility that Phil wouldn’t come home that night, it made Dan feel a bit crazy and every time he had to shake his head to get the images of Phil and the pretty blondie out of his head. Of course, the girl had to be the completely opposite of Dan too, tiny, cute, and so blond. Yet supposedly someone resembling Dan wouldn’t have been any better. Maybe Dan just didn’t like the idea of Phil with anyone. Yeah probably that.

Dan couldn’t even understand why the fact that Phil was going to spend the night, was making him so crazy. He knew Phil had been seeing her for a while and that it was very likely they weren’t just talking about each other’s favourite foods after weeks of dating. Dan had been very aware of the nature of their relationship not being just friendly, but still Phil spending the whole night at someone else’s made Dan’s skin crawl.

It felt so final somehow. Like if Dan wouldn’t do something now, he would have to stay silent about his feelings for good. As if this was some kind of last point before Dan would have to start being a proper best friend and act nice when the blondie would start hanging out at theirs. Somehow Dan just knew, that if he didn’t do something now, it wouldn’t be just Dan and Phil sitting on the sofa, or eating take out, or going to Starbucks, like it was supposed to be.  

Before Dan could even really register it, he was already sitting on the sofa writing a message. His fingers worked on their own, his mind barely understanding what was about to happen, and before it could stop him, his thumb had already pressed send.

And right after, he regretted it more than he had regretted anything in a long time. Cringing he send the phone flying on the other end of the couch and pressed the heels of his hands on his eyes. But Dan didn’t get to wallow in self-hatred and pity for too long, when he heard his phone peeping. “If this is someone else, I’m fucking swear I’m gonna…” Dan muttered to himself while crawling to his phone.

_Is it late for what?_

The message said making Dan’s heart race even faster than it already did. Feverishly he thought about reasonable explanations, so he could just make the whole thing go away, but for the first time his mind was going blank. For once in his life he couldn’t come up with anything.

And before Dan could get his act together and brain working again, his phone went off again.

_Are you kidding me right now?_

The message read making Dan’s cheeks burn red. This was it, it was too late, Dan couldn’t dig himself out of this one anymore. And after having weeks of opportunities to talk about things like adults, face to face, when Dan knew Phil would’ve listened to him and been understanding, no matter what his feelings where, Dan went and ignored all those opportunities and then did this.

_Please tell me you don’t mean what I think you mean_

Another message said, and oh how Dan would’ve wanted to just come up with a reasonable explanation. But if Phil was already thinking about it, there was no chance he wouldn’t see through Dan’s lies. And at this point lying would’ve been even worse.

_I’m sorry_

Dan wrote back, not knowing anything else to say because what else were there to say? Dan had fucked up, like seriously fucked up by not talking sooner – like years ago… And without question he had pissed Phil off and probably ruined his night with the drama. Possibly ruined even their friendship.

All those weeks avoiding the conversation, and then doing this, just because Dan couldn’t imagine Phil fucking someone else. All those weeks, all those years(!), of being too scared to risk their friendship and everything that was going well, Dan went and really messed things up, by ignoring all the mature things to do, like talking to his best friend, and then acting like a jealous teenager and trying to ruin someone else’s relationship.

\--

Phil didn’t text Dan anything else that evening. Dan tried many times to write a proper apology saying he didn’t mean to ruin Phil’s night or do any of it, but anything he wrote felt dumb and pathetic. And to be honest, he had meant to ruin Phil’s night, he wanted to ruin those plans of staying over at someone else’s. He didn’t want to make Phil angry that much was true, but just sending that seemed just like he was trying to get Phil to pity him or guilt him to not be angry with Dan. So, Dan ended up not sending anything and just went to bed after pacing around for an hour or two more.

Dan hadn’t fallen asleep, not that he hadn’t tried, when he heard the front door open and close. In few moments Dan experienced emotions from relief to guilt, his heart racing fast for the umpteenth time that night. He could hear Phil going into his room and for a moment he thought if he should go knock on his door and try to talk to him.

_Do you want to talk? I’m so sorry for ruining your night_

Dan send through whatsapp instead. He could hear the notification on Phil’s phone through the wall, which made his heart jump stupidly.

_Talk to you tomorrow_

Phil answered few minutes later, meantime making Dan almost go out of his mind with anticipation. For a moment he had thought that Phil wouldn’t answer at all, which would’ve been totally understandable to be fair. Dan would’ve deserved much worse.

 

Dan woke up early, after only few hours of sleep, too anxious to fall asleep again. He abandoned the safeness of his bed and walked to the kitchen. What he wasn’t ready for was that Phil was already there, sitting by the breakfast table eating some cereal. Dan had though he would have time to go over what he had come up with during the night, but suddenly, standing there by the kitchen door he couldn’t remember any of it.

“Hey”, Dan said finally, even though Phil had already noticed him, yet he hadn’t said anything. “Hey”, Phil said and looked a bit tired in the eyes. Maybe he hadn’t been sleeping that great either.

Without knowing what to say, Dan moved to get a bowl and his own cereal, and with some reluctance he moved to stand opposite of Phil, placing the things on the table. “So, you wanna tell me what’s going on?” Phil said finally, when Dan just kept on looking at his bowl without saying anything.

“I don’t really know what to say”, Dan said quietly, unable to look at Phil. “How about you start with yesterday”, Phil said voice hard, but Dan could hear that he had to force himself to be harsh. That kind of thing didn’t come naturally for Phil, no matter if he was pissed off or not.

“I don’t know”, Dan said his chest feeling tight, like someone would’ve been squeezing his lungs. “I panicked”, Dan gave out, hating himself for not having words when it actually mattered. Always joking and always talking when it didn’t really matter that much, and then when it actually counted he couldn’t get the words out. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a while”, Dan tried, but felt like the words were failing him, running away from him so all he had left was something incoherent. “For like so long”, he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration.

“About what?” Phil asked voice still stern but less so, helping Dan to continue, like he had always done. “About if it was still too late”, Dan almost whispered, eyes glued on to the empty bowl. “Late for what?” Phil asked, voice hardening again, and Dan could imagine Phil’s brows furrowing closer together his facial expression losing their normal softness.

“You know…” Dan muttered, feeling like he was 18 again, trying to get words out, trying to tell someone how he felt. Phil ever being the only one to actually get through. “Late for what, Dan?” Phil asked relentlessly, not giving Dan a way out as he had in the past, when he had basically read his mind and finished what Dan hadn’t been able to say. Giving Dan a feeling that he could be understood without all those words and big conversations.

Funny enough, that Dan had actually worked through that and had thought that he was able to talk about his feelings and handle them. Yet here he was, unable to tell Phil what had to be said.

“For us”, he breathed out, after long agonizing moments of battling with himself and forcing himself to open his damn mouth. What he didn’t expect was that once he got his mouth to open and form words, it all kind of just flooded out: “You remember when in the beginning it used to be different between us, how it was almost like we weren’t just friends? And you said you understood what I told you back then and that you would wait and give me time? I know I’m way too late, but… I know this is stupid and I know this might ruin everything and that’s why it has been so fucking hard for me to speak up and…”

“You’ve got to be kidding me…” Phil sighed from the other side of the breakfast table. Slowly Dan drew breath and looked up, all the while praying to God the conversation wouldn’t end in him losing his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger, but I promise to update tomorrow or during the weekend!
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you so much for the comments, and once again let me know what you thought!


	4. Cause lately I was thinking I never told you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They finally have the conversation!

Dan had no idea what to expect, but embarrassingly for a fleeting moment he imagined how maybe Phil would be happy and everything would actually work out. Yet, this wasn’t the case as Dan noticed when Phil lifted his head and directed his almost angry eyes to Dan.

“Yes, I did understand! And yes, I did tell you I’ll wait for you or whatever”, Phil exclaimed and stood up in frustration. “But not for fucking years and years on!” he breathed out and spread his arms, making Dan’s chest feel extremely tight and his cheeks feel burning hot. What had he been expecting?

“At least without you saying anything about it”, Phil sighed then, the anger flowing away with a single exhale. “Why the hell wouldn’t you say anything?” Phil asked, getting Dan to look up and meet Phil’s desperate and frustrated eyes. “You never, not even once, brought it up, so what else could I expect than that you wanted me to drop it. Forget about the whole thing”, Phil talked and suddenly the words made so much sense in Dan’s mind making him feel incredibly stupid. “I thought you just wanted to forget about it and be friends. So here I am, I’m your friend and I’ve finally managed to meet someone I actually like. Someone I don’t constantly compare to you or whose company I actually enjoy, instead of waiting to just get back home”, Phil spoke and started pacing a little. “I’m sorry”, Dan said quietly, cheeks still flaring red.

“Like you couldn’t say anything, give any kind of sign that ‘hey, there’s still something there’? And then now that I’m finally okay with all of this, you drop something like this”, Phil quietly ranted and sighed in the end, not even looking at Dan anymore. Usually it was Dan who was ranting, who was frustrated, who was angry or sad or anything, and it was Phil who was always just calmly smiling next to him and saying all kinds of reassuring things. It was making Dan feel on edge that for once it was Phil who was acting like this. Something that was very common for Dan but extremely rare for Phil. And as if it wouldn’t have been uncomfortable enough, it was all Dan’s fault.

“Or did you just come up with this because I was finally dating someone else? That you suddenly realized that you weren’t getting attention every single moment of every day?” Phil asked then, eyes going a bit crazy, as if hoping there would be some kind of more reasonable explanation for Dan’s actions. “No…!” Dan hurried to say. “No, I just never knew how to…” his voice trailing off. “Talk to you…” Dan said while Phil looked like he was giving up.

“I’m sorry”, Dan whispered and lowered his gaze to the table, feeling stupid and ashamed, something that years ago had been a common feeling, but now felt very out of place. “I’m sorry Phil. I never wanted to ruin our friendship, that’s why I never could make myself say anything”, Dan spoke awkwardly, desperately trying to find the right words. “I didn’t know if you had changed your mind, so I just kept putting it off, until it was way too late and…” Dan’s voice trailed out, because what do you say to that.

“It wouldn’t have ruined our friendship and it isn’t ruining our friendship now either, so stop thinking about that”, Phil said, with slight irritation, yet still knowing just what to say to put Dan’s biggest fears to rest.

“I wish you would’ve just talked to me. Even if you were worrying if I had changed my mind or something, you should’ve just talked to me”, Phil sighed and finally sat back down. “I know…” Dan said quietly and tried to reach Phil’s gaze, to understand what Phil’s anger and irritation meant. Because if Phil would’ve been over it and saw Dan just as a friend, it would’ve made more sense that he would’ve been apologetic and trying to let Dan down easy. Dan didn’t want to make any speculations, but anger did seem like something else.

“Like what did you expected to happen now?” Phil asked then and for a moment Dan thought that Phil genuinely waited for him to answer. “That I would just end whatever I had going on and run back to you?” Phil asked harshly, making Dan look down once more. “Of course, not”, Dan answered, finally starting to feel a bit like himself, the irritation poking its head up. “I didn’t plan this, Phil”, Dan exclaimed and lifted his eyes, with some fire in them. “I didn’t plant to fuck up, and do this the worst way possible, but here we are. And I’m so fucking sorry, but I can’t take it back anymore, can I?”, Dan spoke, sounding more like himself.

“What did you expect then? That I would reject you?”, Phil asked, for once not trying to calm Dan down, but playing fire with fire. “Maybe I did!” Dan breathed out and took a step back to get rid of some of the tension that was forming between them. “Maybe I just want to finally know, so I can give up”, Dan exclaimed even though the words were making him tremble with fear, because that was exactly what he didn’t want. That was the exact reason why he had never spoke up. He didn’t want to know if there was no chance. He wasn’t ready to give up.

“I should be saying that, if someone”, Phil grunted and closed his eyes for a moment to inhale and exhale deeply. “I can’t believe this”, Phil sighed then, letting the irritation flow away again with the slump of his shoulders.

“I actually like her, Dan”, Phil said then, after fem moments of silence and no eye contact. “I know”, Dan said forcefully, even though the words tasted bad in his mouth. “And this doesn’t need to be more complicated than that then. I’m sorry I made such a mess and I hope our friendship doesn’t suffer too much from this. I won’t bring things up again or ruin your date nights or anything… I’ll drop it, so it doesn’t need to be more complicated than that”, Dan spoke trying to be mature about it, to be rational. To be an adult and save their friendship. Because from this they could still get past, it might be awkward for a while, but they would get past it. Dan would have to get over his feeling and his jealousy, but he would do it in sake of their friendship.

“It is more complicated than that though”, Phil sighed then, voice soft and tired making Dan slowly lift his gaze. Phil still looked frustrated but there was something else in his eyes too, something that made Dan’s heart skip a beat. That something made Dan hold his breath and almost take a step closer, so he could be close enough to reach for Phil if it came to that.

“But can you give me like few days?” Phil asked just when Dan was about to lift his foot to take the step. “Like can we just be normal and not make things awkward and weird, so I can have some time to actually process this. It took me a long while to get here, so if we could just be normal for little while longer, because to be honest I have no idea what to think about any of this”, Phil spoke and looked almost pleading.

“Yeah, sure, of course”, Dan mumbled, forcing himself to not close the space between them and reach for Phil’s hand. The urge was so well-known, but somehow it felt much harder to resist now that Dan the hope wasn’t all gone. That his touch might not be so unwelcomed as he had feared.

“As much as you need”, Dan exhaled, and only then noticed his hands trembling slightly. “But Phil”, Dan hurried to say when Phil was already about to stand up and leave the conversation. “I never want to lose you”, Dan said hastily forcing his hand down from how it had lifted as if ready to reach for Phil. “From my life”, he added a bit awkwardly, but Phil did seem to understand him, as always. “I know, Dan, me neither”, Phil said and gave him a small smile. “It’s all right”, he said and gave Dan one last look to assure that it was really going to be all right.

And for once, Dan felt almost positive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always welcome!


	5. Every time I see you my heart sings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil makes some kind of decision.

Dan knew that he had told Phil to take as much time as he needed, but after a week Dan was getting a bit impatient and nervous. They had surprisingly managed to act normal and live without too much awkwardness or weirdness. Of course, there were few moments when they were laughing at something, looking at each other just a moment too long for both of them to remember the new revelation, which made them look away quickly. Or how Phil was more aware of Dan looking at him with fond smile or how they were more conscious about touching each other. But otherwise things had been good, there had been no more unpleasant conversations or awkwardness.

But Phil hadn’t stopped seeing the blondie either. Each time Phil went out, not eagerly telling where he was going, Dan knew he was meeting the woman he had been dating supposedly for months now. Each time Dan felt more and more anxious about it, overthinking about what was happening, what they were talking or doing. And apparently Dan wasn’t the greatest at hiding his anxiousness, since one evening before heading our Phil stopped at the lounge door and turned to look back at Dan with a disapproving look.

“Stop looking so miserable”, he said and gave Dan a crooked smile. “I won’t be long”, he added and smiled reassuringly, making Dan’s heart race once more. “But I feel lonely whenever you’re not here”, Dan joked with a whiny voice, but they both knew there was some truth behind it. “I won’t be long”, Phil repeated with a small laugh before disappearing from the doorway.

The evening felt long despite Phil’s words, and when Phil finally got back he seemed to be somehow too chirpy for Dan’s liking, so Dan went to bed early. And in bed he basically went through all the different possibilities of what could’ve happened to put Phil on such good mood, but all of them ended up putting Dan in worse and worse mood. In the end Dan gave up and tried to clear his mind and just let it go. In which he of course failed miserably.

 

Another week passed, mainly Dan being busy with projects and writing the next video on his channel, while filming and editing one for the gaming channel. Dan did feel a bit on edge when he and Phil were just sitting on the sofa at the end of the day, watching an anime or a movie, wondering when Phil would end his agony, but it never came. But at least Phil had been busy too, so he hadn’t had time to arrange any dates either. That much was good.

But eventually Dan’s patience grew thin and snapped, and he knew he would have to asked Phil straight on what was going on. He couldn’t take the dubiety anymore and wondered how he had ever been okay with not knowing what Phil felt for certain.

“I know I said you could take all the time you need, but Phil…” Dan said the second weekend, in the middle of a comedy which wasn’t good at all, yet Phil seemed to be concentrated on it either way. Hearing Dan speak, Phil turned to him and almost immediately grinned with amusement, which made Dan’s words fade away.

“What?” Dan asked and brought a hand to his face to check if he had a popcorn stuck on his face or something. “I wondered how long you’d last”, Phil grinned and snickered with tongue poking out between his teeth. The words took a while to stick, but once they did Dan blushed furiously and felt highly irritated.

“I know, I know. I’m sorry”, Phil laughed and lifted his hands up in surrender, so Dan wouldn’t start anything. “I couldn’t resist the temptation”, he smiled and suddenly Dan found it hard to stay annoyed. “Now you know how I felt for ages…” Phil grinned, even though he must’ve known that the words would sting a little. But supposedly Phil had the right to remind Dan how dumb he could sometimes be.

Gradually Phil’s grin softened to a fond smile, making Dan’s heart skip a beat. Dan tried not lot let his mind jump into conclusions, but it was really hard to keep the hope away when Phil was looking at him that way. With a look, Dan hadn’t seen for years. Maybe glimpses every now and then, but too short for Dan to figure out what they meant.

“I’m not seeing her anymore”, Phil said finally, referring to the blondie. _Or Hannah_ , Dan reminded himself thinking that maybe it was time start referring to her with her real name. “But I’m not saying this changes anything between us either”, Phil hurried to add, making Dan hold his breath again.

“I’m still kind of confused by all this, and we haven’t actually talked properly, but I just knew it wasn’t right towards her. For me to continue seeing her now that I wasn’t so sure of it anymore”, Phil explained calmly, and kept his gaze in Dan’s eyes. “She was very sweet about it, really understanding”, Phil said with a relieved smile. _Of course, she was_ , Dan wanted to say but decided it was better to keep his words to himself.

“So, what does this mean?” Dean asked then, too impatient to let Phil talk on his own phase. “I don’t know”, Phil said with a simple shrug. “I guess we take it as it goes”, he smiled a bit unsurely, but not doubting.

“Okay”, Dan said slowly and if Phil had been sitting closer to him, he would’ve probably given up to the urge to reach for his hand. But maybe there was still time for that. Time to figure out how they continued from there.

So, it was fine that this time they just gave each other one last smile as agreement and returned to watch the movie, which seemed even less interesting, but maybe it didn’t matter.

 

It started with small changes, how slowly their looks started to linger and how they weren’t so careful about touching each other again. Dan felt new kind of exhilaration how the same rules didn’t seem to apply anymore, if there had ever been rules to begin with. Now Dan could lean against Phil’s shoulder and not move away, without it feeling like he was crossing some lines. Now he could give Phil a private kind of grin after a dirty joke to make Phil look away or even blush. Phil made small changes too, to how he looked at Dan sometimes, or how he teased Dan more persistently than before, how he pointed out if Dan was trying to cover his embarrassment with a witty joke or sarcasm.

Neither of them knew what was going to happen or where they were headed, not even what either of them wanted to happen. But the thought of having the ‘real talk’ about feelings and future felt scary and for the time being they both seemed to be fine with how things were going. Just kind of knowing that there was something there and that it was okay to explore those feelings and thoughts.

There were many things Dan would’ve wanted to do, like finally reach for Phil’s hand, or sneak into Phil’s room in the middle of the night. Or kiss him and see if it was different from what he remembered from all those years ago. But it felt a bit strange after being friends for so long, after being so unbelievably comfortable with someone, to suddenly change those things and break the usual comfortable atmosphere to try something new. So Dan didn’t hurry.

Of course, Dan had imagined all of it before, but he found himself doubting his imagination, and wondering if maybe it would be completely different. Maybe kissing Phil would feel weird instead of what Dan had been thinking in the middle of the night in his bed when he let his mind wander. Maybe holding Phil’s hand would feel more out of place than completing. Because there was always the possibility that through all that time, Dan had just build it all up in his head and maybe it never matched the reality.

“You’re thinking so hard, it’s distracting”, Phil mumbled from next to him, but kept his eyes on the tv instead of returning Dan’s gaze. “Sorry”, Dan muttered and looked down on his hand, where his phone had gone dark, who knows how many minutes ago when he had fallen into his thoughts and forgotten what he had been doing.

“Wanna talk about it?” Phil asked, still not turning to look at Dan as if knowing what was on Dan’s mind and not wanting to spook Dan. Or maybe the eye contact at that point would’ve been too much, since they were already sitting right next to each other under one blanket. Dan couldn’t pin point when they had moved to sit right next to each other rather than having their own corners of the sofa.

“You know I won’t be fine with you coming to me in years time and telling me you had something on your mind now and just couldn’t bring yourself to talk to me”, Phil said then and finally turned to look at Dan, but his eyes weren’t warning or annoyed or anything, just slightly amused. Dan felt like blushing but just turned away to look at his phone again with half annoyed snort.

“I know”, Dan mumbled and scrolled twitter until Phil turned back to the tv. For a moment longer, he contemplated his thoughts and tried to calm his nerves, but finally reached out his hand. “Give me your hand”, Dan ordered, making Phil turn to him with raised eyebrows. It didn’t take long for Phil to bring his hand from under the blanket and place his wrist on Dan’s hand.

Slightly annoyed by Phil’s lack of understanding what Dan wanted, he grabbed Phil’s hand with his own, so they were holding hands. But because Phil had given him his right hand they were holding hands awkwardly as if they were going to shake hands. Phil looked confused only for a moment until he grinned and with an amused laugh he shook Dan’s hand, even though he clearly knew what Dan was trying to do. Huffing in irritation and embarrassment Dan snatched his hand away and muttered something rude, which made Phil laugh even more.

“I’m sorry”, Phil apologised but couldn’t stop laughing, which made Dan blush even harder. “But you cannot deny that was kind of funny”, Phil grinned and just when Dan was about to tell Phil to fuck off, he felt Phil’s left-hand snake into his right hand. “Can’t believe you’re blushing”, Phil said quietly, smile visible in his voice. Then Phil shook his head, as Dan sat there a bit dumb folded by how natural it felt to hold Phil’s hand.

“Oh, shut up”, Dan muttered and turned back to his phone, even though he wasn’t really interested in it any longer.

Who would’ve thought, huh? That Dan was still so awkward and nowhere near smooth when it came to Phil. But maybe he’d have time to work on that. Who knows, perhaps he could be able to convince Phil that living with your roommate for the rest of your life wasn’t such bad idea after all. Maybe it wasn’t bad idea at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! 
> 
> But there's more coming, so don't think that this was it! x


	6. I promise that I'll hold you when it's cold out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two boys being a bit stupid and then some fluff.

“Sure you didn’t want to take her up on that offer?” Dan joked, once they got home form a social event neither of them had been eager to go. Dan knew he was being petty, but that’s how he apparently dealt with jealousy. He was of course joking, and he knew Phil hadn’t felt intrigued to say yes to the girl who they barely knew, and who gave Phil her number and said to call hell with a wink. Phil had looked like a deer in headlights, like he always did, as if it would be so surprising that someone was interested in him. Of course, they were, Phil was great. Dan might get attention with his brown eyes and dimples, but Phil was the one who charmed everyone with his endless happiness and laugh that made anyone join in.

Phil had looked like he was about to say something, maybe reject her, but then he had glanced at Dan as if asking him for help or ask about something that Dan didn’t know how to answer to. But before either of them had time to produce something coherent the woman had gone on her way, leaving Dan and Phil to awkwardly look at each other until someone called for them, telling the taxis were there.

Yet, the joke Dan made about Phil wanting to call the girl after all, didn’t get through to Phil and he ended up looking at Dan with furrowed brows and displeased look in his eyes. “What’s with that? You would want me to call her up or something?” Phil asked and seemed irritated, which made the grin fall from Dan’s face. “Well, no”, Dan said as if it should be clear.

“Because if you have changed your mind again, just let me know, Dan. Any time”, Phil said with some sassiness and walked off to the lounge. “Of course, I haven’t changed my mind, what are you on about?” Dan said and walked after Phil, who just shook his head and rolled his eyes at Dan.

“Well if you didn’t know, you are not the easiest person to read, and still you always keep making me guess what’s on your mind”, Phil said and actually made Dan feel confused. It had never really occurred to Dan, that he wouldn’t be easy to read, at least for Phil. When he usually seemed to know exactly what was on Dan’s mind.

“Well what do you want to know?” Dan asked then and tried to get Phil to look at him, but he had sat on the sofa and turned on the tv. Dan’s words did get Phil to look up, and gaze Dan with unreadable look in his eyes.

“Are we together?” Phil asked after a moment of silence and made Dan’s stomach flip, and regret ever asking anything. Because why did it have to be Dan who ‘decided’ things like that? Wasn’t it Phil who had said that ending things with Hannah didn’t mean things would be different between Dan and Phil. They hadn’t done anything else than barely held hands and Phil went and asked if they were together. How the hell should Dan know that?

“If it’s up to me then yeah”, Dan said simply and forced himself to keep the gaze and not look away. For his surprise Phil’s challenging look changed into disbelief and then Phil looked away, all the attitude long gone. “Oh”, Phil let out and the tension in the room changed into light awkwardness.

“I thought it was clear that that’s what I wanted”, Dan said awkwardly and with some hesitation moved to sit on the sofa but leaving a good space between them. “I really wasn’t just being a spoiled child craving for some attention. I actually… want you”, Dan spoke, as his cheeks gradually got redder and redder. Phil looked dumb folded staring at Dan like the thought hadn’t ever crossed his mind. Dan couldn’t keep the gaze for much longer, so he just leaned his head to the cushions and stared at the ceiling for a while.

“I guess I just spend so long convincing myself that there was nothing there, that it’s hard to think otherwise”, Phil said finally and sighed deeply. Dan turned his head slowly and looked at Phil, who gave him a bit awkward smile. “I’ll try okay? To change that mindset”, Phil offered and smiled more convincingly. “But you stop with those stupid remarks trying to wind me up”, Phil added, making Dan give out a snort: “That’s me being jealous, you know”.

“Oh”, Phil exhaled and made Dan give out a laugh. “But yeah, I’ll try to chill out”, Dan said and gave Phil a smile. “Who would’ve thought we would have this much trouble understanding each other, still after so many years”, Dan half laughed but his eyes were a bit regretful. “Yeah”, Phil sighed, and yet again Dan felt like it wouldn’t be right for him to reach for Phil’s hand. But maybe at some point that feeling would disappear and Dan wouldn’t need to even think if he should or shouldn’t. Maybe there would come a time when it wouldn’t be so complicated.

\--

And it got less complicated after that conversation. Dan still felt a bit out of the loop, not really knowing what was going on in Phil’s head, but at least they had got to some kind of understanding that they were ‘kind of together’. At least that’s what Dan decided to take away from the conversation. That at least they were heading that way, even though slowly, since it was still unusual to just change things right away. They were too used to being best friends, too used to not touching or acting on those urges to reach out for the other person, or to kiss them.

That line was crossed eventually though. One morning when they were eating breakfast in the kitchen, Dan sitting down by the breakfast table and Phil coming to stand next to him with a steaming cup of coffee. They were laughing about something Dan showed Phil from his phone. It was normal, like any other day, but when they locked eyes mid laugh and Dan suddenly realized how close Phil had leaned in to see his phone, the laugh just kind of faded until Phil noticed. Yet Phil didn’t snap his head back or laugh awkwardly, or made any jokes, he just stood still until his eyes happened to wander to Dan’s lips. This notion made Dan swallow hard and his heart rate pick up even more.

In the end, it wasn’t complicated or awkward, or the time didn’t slow down or anything else Dan had thought that could happen. Phil simply leaned in to close the space between them and placed his lips on Dan’s, as if it would’ve been the easiest thing to do. He didn’t stay there for long, but didn’t pull too far either, as if wanting check Dan being all right first, before stepping away. Then Phil gave out an awkward but cute little laugh and turned to go to the lounge, yelling something about an anime over his shoulder.

And Dan thought that maybe it didn’t have to be more complicated than that, after all.


	7. You can coax the cold right out of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff that nobody asked for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter name from song Bite from Troye Sivan.

The change happened slowly and even though there were days when Dan just wanted to jump on Phil and kiss the hell out of him, they kind of needed things to progress slowly. They had been friends for so many years that changing their habits wasn’t so easy. They were used to doing things certain way and acting certain way with each other, that it wasn’t easy to just drop it and suddenly be like some sort of normal couple. But in a way Dan felt like that made those small private moments even more meaningful.

The way they gave each other looks that were suddenly so full of meaning, and how just sitting next to Phil felt different. How Dan could lazily lean on Phil’s shoulder while they watched something, and it felt different. It had of course happened many times before, but now Dan new that it wasn’t just an accident, it wasn’t just that weird pull that had always seemed to push them towards each other. It was also that Dan could simply act on his urge to be always a little bit closer to Phil. And the best thing? Phil seemed to feel the exact same.

They weren’t all lovey dovey, they didn’t shower each other with kisses and they didn’t touch all the time, they were too used not to. But just being in the same room with Phil felt different now that he didn’t need to use just his imagination and daydream of Phil feeling the same way. Now he actually knew. Well at least that there was definitely something there, it wasn’t just imagination anymore.

Of course, Dan was aware that though they had kind of agreed that they were more of a couple than not, they still hadn’t done much more than fleeting kisses and gentle touches. It wasn’t like Dan didn’t want to, he did, but funnily enough he didn’t feel the need to hurry either. Surely, there were nights when Dan thought about how he could probably just walk into Phil’s room and just show Phil how much he actually wanted him. Dan imagined different scenarios, different possibilities, what he would say and do, when he laid in his bed eyes closed, but he never really acted on them. And neither did Phil.

Yet eventually the fleeting kisses stopped being so fleeting and grew deeper. Phil usually initiated the kisses, but they were mainly just quick pecs. Until, one night when they were watching spirited away for the umpteenth time and kept talking on top of it. They were sat close together, but otherwise it was like always, them just talking and joking. Till the point when Phil stopped Dan’s rant about something he quickly forgot, with a quick kiss on the lips. He leaned back right after, just kind of giggling and looking at Dan with those blue, blue eyes, and Dan just _had_ to lean in for more.

Phil seemed slightly surprised, but didn’t shy away, instead letting Dan keep kissing him. Phil didn’t push back, or bring his hands to touch Dan, or hold him, but accidently or maybe on purpose he opened his mouth which enabled the kiss to grow deeper. Dan kept his eyes closed tightly as if fearing for the weirdness to hit, but it never came. The only weirdness was that making out with Phil felt so natural. New but still unbelievably natural.

Dan had been too preoccupied by being surprised for the normality of the situation, that he couldn’t keep track of the time. And when Phil finally brought his hands on Dan’s shoulder, Dan wasn’t expecting to be pushed away till their lips parted. Phil looked a bit overwhelmed, but his eyes were happy, so Dan couldn’t understand why he had been pushed away. Until he noticed that Phil kept on pushing him backwards all the way until he was laying on his back on the sofa.

“This all right?” Phil asked quietly as he leaned to hover over Dan. “Uh, yeah, sure”, Dan exhaled, feeling overwhelmed, but in the best way possible. And it only got better when Phil connected their lips again, which made Dan’s eyes reach out to snake around on to Phil’s back. It all felt weirdly good, like Dan wouldn’t have really believed it would be as good as he imagined. But Phil’s lips were smooth and warm on his, and Dan’s hand moved along Phil’s spine as if they would’ve always done that.

Dan didn’t realise he had been pulling Phil down, so he would be pressed against Dan, until Phil pushed against his pull with a small laugh, which interrupted their kissing. Phil seemed amused by Dan but didn’t give in, instead settling his elbows better on each side of Dan’s head so he would have better leverage to keep Dan from pulling Phil flushed against him.

Dan wanted to ask what was holding Phil back, but yet again he found himself in lack of courage, so he chose the easy way and just reached to kiss Phil once more. The kisses that had grown a bit heated, then grew slower and lazier, until they were just kind of tasting each other, as if they were in some kind of movie. It made Dan want to laugh, but luckily his mouth had better things to do.

By the time Phil finally put a full stop on it, Dan had skimmed through possibly Phil’s whole torso with his hands. In a way he felt like he had to make up the time he had lost and also finally make sure if his imagination had any clue how it would actually feel like; slip his hand on Phil’s neck and pull him tighter against his lips or dip his fingers in Phil’s raven black hair. Yet still fighting the urge to tuck Phil’s hair or slip his hand under his shirt. There was going to be time for all of that, Dan told himself, to sooth his nerves as Phil pulled away from his lips.

“Well that was something”, Phil gave out a laugh before pushing off from Dan and returning to sitting position on the sofa. Dan stayed laying down for a moment longer, kind of dizzy in the head and yet ready to get right back to what had made him dizzy in the first place. He felt a bit embarrassed by how easily affected he had been and how some lazy kissing had gotten his head spinning a little bit. It was like he would’ve been a teenager all over again, when Phil kissed him for the first time, or when he noticed Phil’s hugs felt different from other people’s hugs.

Or maybe it had never really had nothing to do with age, but just the person being Phil. Maybe it had always just been all Phil.


	8. I'm pulling on your heart to push my luck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jealous Dan

“So, I heard things didn’t work out with you and Hannah after all?” PJ asked Phil one night when they had PJ and Sophie over for a collab. Dan felt a bit out of place, like he shouldn’t be hearing this conversation, but of course PJ didn’t know what was going on with Dan and Phil – no one did – so he probably thought Dan already knew all about it.

“Yeah, but it’s fine. We didn’t have an argument or anything like that…” Phil talked, smiling a bit awkwardly, keeping his eyes strictly on PJ. “Didn’t think so, it’s you after all”, PJ laughed and smiled at Phil, who gave out a small laugh. “Are you going to stay friends still?” PJ asked just when Dan was about to turn and go check if Sophie had gotten lost while going to the bathroom. He felt like he was intruding in the conversation, and not to talk about the guilt that popped up whenever the subject came up, but suddenly he couldn’t make himself to leave.

“Yeah, we’re friends, it’s all fine”, Phil smiled, relieved that PJ didn’t start asking details about what happened and what went wrong. But PJ was like that, he didn’t push, and he knew people would tell him if they felt like telling more. “I actually saw her the other day, and it was all good. No awkwardness or anything, so yeah, I think we’ll remain good friends”, Phil talked, and this is the point where Dan wanted to speak up, say something like _‘excuse me?’_ or _‘are you joking?’_ , but of course he couldn’t. And Phil didn’t even notice Dan’s eyes asking these questions, since he wasn’t looking at Dan.

“Oh, that’s good. I was already worried that we wouldn’t see her anymore”, PJ smiled and like on demand Sophie appeared in the kitchen to stop Dan from butting in and asking how did PJ know Hannah in the first place. “Who?” Sophie asked and joined the conversation with a sweet smile. “Hannah”, PJ filled her in. “I was just saying what a pity it would’ve been if we wouldn’t have been able to see her again”, PJ talked, while Dan’s heart twisted in jealousy.

“Oh yeah”, Sophie smiled. “I loved her”, she laughed, making Dan’s mouth go sour. “Apparently Phil is still good friends with her, so we were worried for nothing”, PJ laughed and then – finally – the conversation turned towards other subjects, but Dan didn’t really hear them. He kept staring at Phil, even when he was giving him questioning glances, as if it wouldn’t have been clear why Dan was a bit upset.

PJ and Sophie didn’t stay much longer and even that little time, Dan was quite absent, and Phil didn’t waist time to point that out once they were alone again.

“So, what’s this about you and Hannah?” Dan asked, ignoring Phil’s comment about Dan’s rudeness. “What of it? We went for a coffee”, Phil said and seemed genuinely confused. Dan scoffed in disbelief of Phil’s innocence. It had to be an act, nobody could be that clueless.

“Oh, should I have told you before I went?” Phil asked then and if it would’ve been any other time, Dan would’ve found Phil so incredible cute, with his dumbness. But not now. “That’s not the point, but yeah, I would’ve appreciated if I wouldn’t need to hear you saw your ex from PJ”, Dan spoke and tried his best to not get too annoyed, since Phil actually seemed like he didn’t understand what was going on.

“Oh, okay, sorry about that. I’ll tell you next time, okay?” Phil smiled then, making Dan lose his words for a second, just making this disbelieving noise. “Is that why you were so quiet before they left?” Phil asked and turned to walk into the lounge. Dan made another noise and couldn’t do more than follow Phil to the lounge. And to think that Dan had never really cared about this sort of thing before, was throwing him off too. Yes, he was a jealousy person, but usually he just kept it to himself and kind of suffered by himself, until the feeling passed. He wasn’t prepared for this kind of reaction more than Phil.

“I’m sorry okay, I’ll let you know in the future”, Phil said calmingly and had somehow appeared back in front of Dan, hands on each side of Dan’s arms. That’s when Dan finally got his speech back and a bit overdramatically pulled himself off from Phil’s calming hands.

“That’s not the issue here, Phil”, Dan exclaimed and started pacing. “Why are you seeing her in the first place? Didn’t you guys break it off?” Dan spoke and forced himself to stop pacing, so he wouldn’t seem as crazy as he actually felt. _Where is this coming from?_ He screamed at himself, trying to stop the train of thought, but it slipped from his grasp every time.

“Uhm… We saw just as friends. We did end things… But we agreed to stay friends, if possible”, Phil spoke and now, along with the confusion there was awkwardness. And this made Dan feel even more embarrassed, yet he still couldn’t stop. “Do people usually stay friends after a break up? Doesn’t that seem a little strange. And what’s with her knowing PJ and Sophie? Have you guys spent a lot of time together?” Dan talked hastily, as the words just didn’t agree to stay unspoken.

It was official. Dan was now the crazy jealous boyfriend. And hah, how funny, he wasn’t really even a boyfriend. He was ‘something like that’. Which made it all so much worse.

“Dan”, Phil said to ground Dan and walked to him again. “We started as friends with Hannah, and we agreed right in the beginning that we wanted to stay friends above all. No hard feelings if it wouldn’t turn out well after all, you know”, Phil talked, but didn’t try to put his hands on Dan’s shoulders again. “And yes, we hung out with PJ and Sophie few times. Why is that such a big deal?” Phil asked, not at all defensive, just sincerely confused.

“I don’t know”, Dan exclaimed and threw his hands in the air. “Somehow it just is”, he said and turned to walk to the sofa, so he wouldn’t need to look at Phil’s confused face. Why was he such a pure individual, who probably didn’t even know what jealousy or envy felt like. Phil was always just so happy for everyone, never feeling those ugly feelings that tormented most people. And Phil would never be ranting to Dan about some ex. Dan knew, he could call up any of his exes and go for a coffee and Phil would probably just ask how Dan’s ex was and be happy to hear all about it.

“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything to you and you heard about it like that”, Phil spoke softly and followed Dan to the sofa. “I didn’t think you would mind”, he said and placed a reassuring hand on Dan’s knee. “I’m really just friends with her, you know that, right? There’s no need to be jealous”, Phil talked a bit more carefully. “If that’s what this is”, he added, making Dan almost laugh. “Of course, that’s what this is, what else would it be?” Dan gave out a joyless laugh, self-pity and embarrassment taking a hold of him, when the jealousy started to calm down under Phil’s soft voice and calm touch.

“But makes sense that you wouldn’t notice I for jealousy, since you’re probably totally immune to something like that”, Dan sighed and slumped against the cushions. This made Phil laugh quietly and then move his hand from the knee all the way to Dan’s shoulder, getting Dan to look at him. “Oh, I’m not immune”, Phil chuckled and smiled softy at Dan’s miserable expression. “I just experience and show it a bit differently”, Phil smiled and let his hand slide from Dan’s shoulder to his neck, which made chills run down Dan’s spine.

And as Phil kissed him, Dan thought how he definitely wanted to see what jealous Phil looked like someday. Definitely.


	9. Drape me in your warmth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some fluff and Dan wanting to escape any serious conversations.

Things were good. They had been great for a while now. Dan was more content than he had been in years, maybe ever. And lot of the credit went to the fact that he finally had Phil.

Well almost at least.

They hadn’t really talked about it – about them – but things were going smoothly and both of them felt comfortable with it. Dan wouldn’t have minded if they would’ve crossed the last line of being physical with each other, but he didn’t really mind Phil stopping them before it even got there. Most times at least.

Then again sometimes Dan would feel like going out of his mind when Phil would push the breaks just when Dan was about to cross the line of undressing himself or Phil. Phil would usually just give out a small laugh and roll off to lay next to Dan instead of on top of him, or he would slowly sit up and continue what ever had gotten disturbed by the make out session.

Dan was curious about what made Phil stop every time when the kisses grew too heated, but he wasn’t about to ask either. He just kind of believed that one of these times, Phil wouldn’t pull back or force the heated back to closed mouthed ones. And Dan didn’t even know when he started to hold his breath in anticipation every time they made out on the sofa or in one of their beds. Waiting if this would be the time the line would be crossed.

But days went by and Phil kept everything very PG.  They made their videos and they even socialized a bit, and all together their life had barely changed. And Dan was starting to feel that some aspects of it could change, that he was more than ready for them to change. Like the fact that they still slept in their own beds, apart from the couple times when Dan just happened to fall asleep in the middle of a movie, they had watched in Phil’s room. But even then, it would be like it had been before the whole ‘big change’, Dan would wake up on the other side of the bed. And it always took Dan a moment to convince himself that they weren’t just friends anymore, that it hadn’t been just a dream. He told himself he could reach out and take Phil’s hand if he wanted to, or he could kiss Phil good morning but in the end, he never did.

 

Dan’s patience came to its end one night after a chilled night with some friends, when they were comfortably tipsy when they got back home. Dan got the amazing idea of opening another wine bottle and pouring them some as Phil was choosing a movie.

“Let’s go watch it in your room”, Dan said trying not to seem suspicious, but he couldn’t deny that his tipsy brains wouldn’t have any ulterior motives. Phil did look at him questionably, not really getting why Dan would prefer watching the movie from a laptop screen instead of the big tv screen, but just shrugged and grabbed his laptop.

They barely paid attention to the movie, too busy joking about something unnecessary. And like Dan had expected, it didn’t take too long for Phil to lean in and connect their lips. Or was it Dan who leaned it? Who knows anymore…

Phil let Dan push him on his back with an amused laugh, but continued kissing Dan with shared enthusiasm, which made Dan feel hopeful. It was easier to make out with Phil, when Dan was comfortably buzzed. Not that it was hard otherwise, but it was still tiny bit strange. Not in a bad way but still it kind of snuck up on Dan that he was actually kissing Phil, not just imagining it.

With some liquid courage Dan deepened the kiss and licked into Phil’s mouth, which made Phil give out a small and sweet noise in the back of his mouth. Pushing against his nerves Dan let his hand snake under Phil’s shirt, which made them both stir a little bit. Phil pulled his lips apart from Dan’s and Dan let him, already expecting Phil’s hand to gently push him away. But that never came and slowly Phil’s pondering eyes seemed to come into a decision and he reached for Dan’s lips again.

Dan wanted to laugh at himself and how pathetic he was with the excitement such small notion was able to induce in him. He wasn’t a teenager anymore, touching another person for the first time but still in some way it felt just like that. The anticipation and then finally getting to touch the other person, feel if it’s anything like imagined.

Slowly, exploring Dan moved to kiss Phil’s jaw and then his neck, making Phil breath more heavily. Phil’s hand had moved to Dan’s neck which made chills run down Dan’s back, but it didn’t stay there for long.

“Dan…” Phil whispered breathily and gently tried to guide Dan away from his neck. “Dan”, Phil called again, making Dan realize that he was trying to catch Dan’s attention, instead of just saying his name. Reluctantly Dan detached his lips from Phil’s neck and pushed himself up, so he could see Phil’s face.

He knew it before even looking at Phil, how he was silently telling Dan to hit the brakes. For a small moment Dan tried to stare Phil’s down, but gave up eventually – of course. With a deep sigh Dan rolled over to lay on the bed next to Phil. He wanted to complain, he wanted to speak up about his thoughts about the matter, but instead he just stared at the ceiling and said nothing.

“Don’t overthink this”, Phil said quietly after a minute of silence, not an awkward silence but simply neither of them not knowing what to say. With Phil’s words, Dan turned his head, so he could see Phil’s face again. “Easier said than done”, he said with a half-smile. “I have no idea why you keep pushing me away. Like I don’t want to push it, I’m fine with how things are, things are great, but… I guess I just don’t get it”, Dan heard himself talk, and instead of escaping from Phil’s gaze he stared back. Phil looked troubled and Dan hated that he made Phil feel that way. That’s why he hadn’t wanted to bring it up, he didn’t want any awkward conversations, or Phil feeling uncomfortable for having to explain Dan why he wasn’t so into it as Dan was.

Phil opened his mouth as if to say something, but instead just closed it and propped himself up on his elbows. With an easy turn he leaned towards Dan and kissed him gently, so sweetly it made Dan’s chest feel funny, almost uncomfortable. Like it was suddenly harder to breath. For a moment Dan’s brains went into a panic mode and he was ready tell Phil how he was totally fine with things like they were, just as long as Phil wouldn’t tell him to take any steps back.

As long as Phil wouldn’t suddenly say that he wasn’t so sure about this whole thing after all, how it was too risky because what would they do if it doesn’t work out and they still need to live together, work together, and everything. Dan had thought about these things and of course he was a bit worried too, he would be stupid not to have considered it. But the thing was, that Dan wanted to have Phil either way. To him, there was no option of not having Phil in his life, so even if things wouldn’t end well, and even if things would be awkward and uncomfortable, Dan knew he could never let Phil out of his life. So, what ever happened Dan wanted to see if things would end up well instead, because for him it would be worth it. And the last thing Dan wanted to hear was, that Phil wasn’t ready to take the risk, that he didn’t feel as strongly so it would be worth risking it. Or that Phil wouldn’t trust them staying friends, no matter what.

Dan didn’t want to hear any of that.

But no matter Dan’s thoughts, Phil did eventually part his lips from Dan’s and opened his mouth to say the ominous words: “I just think we should actually talk about things before anything else happened, before we would go any further”.

Dan felt betrayed by his own feelings and felt angry that his willpower hadn’t been able to stop Phil from saying those words. “I know you don’t want to talk about these things, I know you’d rather just never talk about it…”, Phil continued and fidgeted a little. “But I really think we should talk, so we’re on the same page and all”, he spoke and made Dan’s stomach feel eery. Dan didn’t have any idea how he should’ve been taking Phil’s words. He had no idea where the conversation was going, and half of him didn’t want to find out. Half of him just wanted to freeze time and lay there, next to Phil and not say anything that could break the spell.

“Okay”, Dan said when the time didn’t freeze, but kept going instead. “Let’s talk then”, he said and tried to keep himself from jumping into to the worst conclusions. Gently Phil placed one of his hands on Dan’s arm and rubbed it softly. “Not tonight”, he said quietly and tried to smile to ease Dan’s anxiousness. “We’we been drinking a bit and it’s quite late any way… We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?” Phil spoke softly, as if being afraid of setting Dan off or something.

There were million things in Dan’s mind, but they were moving too fast for him to form them into sentences and to speak up. There was too much he wanted to say, things he felt like he had to say if he wanted to convince Phil that they didn’t need to stop whatever had been going on with them. That they could go on like that, and that Dan wouldn’t complain in the future. It was fine.

But the thoughts escaped him and left him speechless, heart racing with concern. “Don’t look so spooked”, Phil laughed awkwardly and squeezed Dan’s arm lightly. “Everything’s fine”, he smiled and almost leaned in to kiss Dan again, but stopped himself for some reason.

“Can I at least sleep here tonight?” Dan heard his own voice splutter, before Phil got around to let go of his arm and lay back down, which would mean the conversation was over and it would be time for Dan to leave. Phil looked confused by Dan’s question, but smiled nonetheless. “Of course, Dan. You don’t need to ask that”, Phil said and rubbed Dan’s arm with his thumb.

“It’s hard to make out what’s okay and what’s not”, Dan said quietly and could already see it in his mind, how the next day Phil would sit him down and explain how they should stop and go back to how they were. How Phil would calmly explain that it had been something fleeting from their younger years, and he didn’t actually feel so strongly anymore, and felt like it wasn’t worth the risk.

“I never meant to make you feel like that”, Phil said furrowing his brows. “That there are things that are okay to do and things that aren’t”, he spoke and finally pulled his hand away from Dan’s arm, and it felt worse than Dan had thought. But Phil’s hand didn’t stay away for long, just moved to Dan’s fingers, carefully snaking his own between Dan’s so they were holding hands. This made Dan’s heart hurt in a small way and his hand to grip Phil’s as a reflex.

“I was just trying to wait till you’d be more comfortable talking about all this”, he said and looked apologetic, all the while rubbing his thumb against the back of Dan’s hand. “Didn’t mean to make you worry even more”, Phil smiled apologetically and leaned in for the second time, but stopped midway, as if asking if it was okay to close the remaining gap between their lips. 

Dan wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol, or if he was suddenly just too tired, or too emotional or what, but something in Phil’s unsure expression made his chest ache. “Phil, I…” Dan exhaled and because he was forever the coward, who didn’t know how to tell the things that truly mattered, he just lifted his free hand to reach for Phil and to pull him down instead of finishing the sentence. Phil came easily, and kissed Dan more deeply than Dan had expected, which made his heart sting again.

“We’ll talk tomorrow, yeah?” Phil breathed against Dan’s lips and for a moment Dan felt like arguing, wanting to hear it now whatever it was. But the moment passed quickly, leaving Dan to hope tomorrow would never come.

Far too soon Phil laid down next to Dan and for the longest time they just laid there, not saying anything more, just slowly breathing, but fingers still intertwined. Thank god.


	10. But please, don't bite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Could they finally just have a real conversation...?

Phil wasn’t in the bed when Dan woke up around noon. It was expected but still Dan felt disappointed, preferring to wake up with him there and not in the kitchen making breakfast. Just so Dan wouldn’t feel so out of place and unsure. He did prolong getting up and meeting Phil in the kitchen, but eventually the smell of pancakes won, and Dan gave into the urge to follow it.

“Hey”, Phil said cheerly when Dan got into the kitchen. “Pancakes?” he asked with a bright smile, without any sings of even the littlest hangover. “Yes, please”, Dan yawned and sat by the breakfast table.

“Did you sleep well?” Phil asked, making Dan’s stomach drop and his appetite fly out of the window. “Surprisingly so”, Dan said moodily, but didn’t answer Phil’s gaze. Then they fell into slightly awkward silence, both knowing what was coming.

“I would like to just leave you be and not make you talk about this, but I don’t think I can do this if we don’t”, Phil said finally after a long silence, and woah, it was worse than Dan expected. No easing into the conversation apparently.

“Okay”, Dan answered forcefully and poked his pancake around on the plate. “What do you want to talk about?” Dan asked voice colder than intended.

“Dan…” Phil sighed almost pleading and got Dan to look up, only to meet Phil’s pained expression. “I’m sorry okay, I just don’t want to keep on doing this”, he spoke and flailed his hand between them across the breakfast table. “if I don’t actually know what’s going on in your head. Without knowing what we’re actually doing”, he spoke and looked apologetic, which only made it worse.

“What do you mean ‘what we’re doing’?” Dan asked expression hard, to hide the real emotions. The fear. “I just need to know if you’re doing all this just because of boredom or loneliness or something like that”, Phil spoke up, expression a bit panicky. “Because I don’t want to keep on doing this if you’re just bored or lonely and want me because of that. If you just want someone”, Phil spoke hastily, eyes wide and so blue.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Dan breathed out, trying his best to wrap his head around Phil’s words. Phil shook his head in frustration ready to continue. “Like I’ve wanted you for years, like always, and you’ve never cared about that. You’ve never said anything, we never talked about it and that’s fine, I know you have things you rather never talk about. But then you suddenly say you want me and even though I thought I’d be fine with just whatever but turns out that I don’t actually want this if you don’t want me for me. I rather go back on being just friends than continue this, if it means that you might grow tired of it at any point and then I’m supposed to act like nothing happened. Just like last time”, Phil spoke, barely taking a breath in the middle of the sentences. _Okay, ouch_ , Dan thought.

He couldn’t do more than just stare and try his best to absorb what Phil was telling him. And even though he did kind of understand where Phil was coming from but _holy fuck_ the words stung.

“Boredom?” he asked in disbelief. Dan would’ve wanted to be angry, but annoyingly enough it did make sense, he would’ve probably thought the same thing if the roles would’ve been reversed, but still: _what the fuck_. “Of course, I’m not doing this out of boredom or loneliness or something”, Dan huffed and pushed the plate further away from him.

“And yeah, I know I should’ve talked to you ages ago, I know I fucked up with that, but I thought we already established that”, Dan spoked and fought the urge to stand up and start pacing. “I didn’t know you thought that I wanted you to forget about all the things that happened in the beginning. I didn’t know you thought that I didn’t want you anymore”, Dan spoke, cheeks tinting lightly pink. “I know it’s stupid but I kind of always thought – hoped at least – that you would somehow just know that I never stopped thinking of you that way. Ever”, Dan talked looking at Phil who was just staring back brows furrowed, trying to keep emotions from showing on his face.

“You can’t blame me for not reading your mind. Like how could have I known all that?” Phil spoke up, making Dan annoyed with how he was still fighting him on this.

“I know that”, Dan exclaimed and leaned his head back in frustration. “I know that now, but what do you want me to say now? To make you understand I’m serious with you. That I love you or something?” Dan spoke without stopping to think if it would be the best approach. But once he got around to think about it, the words were out of his mouth already and nothing could be done. Dan felt angry and disappointed, because he had never thought that the time he would talk about love it would come up during an ‘argument’. He had always thought that if Dan would ever get his mouth open and got himself to talk to Phil about his feelings, it would be during a quiet moment. It would be said calmly, and it would all feel natural.

Not like this. Not like it would be a bad word that had to be spat out.

Phil looked shocked, but didn’t seem like he was going to say anything, so Dan had to continue: “I’m not bored or lonely or anything, okay? I want you, simple as that, so I don’t really know what you want me to say here. If you don’t want to continue this, what ever it was, okay, I can’t make you, obviously”.

“Or if you don’t want to sleep with me, just hold my hand occasionally, okay, I can get on board with that. But just let me know what the fuck you want so I can try and be that”, Dan finished, his own irritation making him even more annoyed with the whole situation.

And then, when Dan thought nothing could get any worse, Phil gave out a disbelieving and slightly amused laugh. It threw Dan completely off, leaving him to stare at Phil, who seemed to give up with the stern appearance and well, was laughing at Dan. Great.

“What even is this conversation”, Phil said once he settled down. “Of course, I want to sleep with you, were did you get that from?” Phil smiled crookedly and fucking finally Dan let his shoulders relax and let out the breath he had been holding. “It just felt like much more reasonable explanation that you’d be lonely and wanted my undivided attention back, than that you’d have actually liked me this whole time but never said anything. That just sounds mental, doesn’t it?” Phil spoke and looked at Dan, who tried to will himself to not blush. “I was always right here”, Phil said then, voice growing softer and more quiet. His blue eyes were piercing, and Dan had to force himself to not shy away from them.

“All you needed was to speak up”, Phil smiled, but there was regret in his eyes and Dan hated it. “I’m speaking up now”, Dan said quietly, knowing it was a long time overdue, but if it wasn’t too late, then wasn’t it better than never.

“Yeah…” Phil exhaled and smiled while shaking his head lightly. “I guess you are”, he sighed and smiled calmly. For a long while they just kept standing there, like waiting for a bomb to drop. Waiting for something else that the other person could say to ruin the situation.

“Should we try being together then? Like for real?” Phil asked in the end, when neither of them seemed to be interested in continuing the conversation. Dan’s heart was still racing, but the tightness in his chest started to unfold. He didn’t trust his ability to speak, but for once Dan felt like he could breath.

So, he ended up just nodding, hoping it would get the message through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it has taken sooooo long for this update! I've had the craziest three weeks, literally haven't had time to write anything and not even upload this chapter! But here it is, finally. 
> 
> And thank you so much for all the kudos and especially all you who left comments, those really made me smile and made me want to get back to writing as soon as possible! xx
> 
> P.S.  
> I promise next chapter won't be just all talk... if you know what I mean.


	11. I can be the subject of your dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff like always and maybe almost smut?

“I’m going to sleep in your room tonight”, Dan informed few days after their awkward conversation, which ended surprisingly well – with them together. Phil propped his head up from where he was hunched over the laptop screen, doing god knows what. He looked confused before giving out a small laugh. “Okay”, he said with an amused smile before returning to look at his laptop.

Dan felt annoyed that he was feeling like a nervous teenager and Phil was like calmness itself. Dan had to struggle with himself for like ten minutes to say those words before actually following through and Phil just smirked like nothing.

Things had gone back to normal after their conversation, but even though they had basically agreed that they would actually be together now, not just ‘something more than friends’, they didn’t really act like it. They had been even less affectionate than before, and it truly bothered Dan. ‘Cause what good would it be together if they didn’t even kiss each other. Fair enough they had been busy with youtube stuff and other work-related things, but they sould never be so busy that they couldn’t fit few kisses in here and there.

Dan wasn’t happy about it, but he was becoming greedy very fast. Now that he knew Phil wanted him too, now that everything was basically permitted, he didn’t seem to have a thread of self-restraint left. Dan was pissed off that he even cared so much. He hadn’t really thought himself as super affectionate person, he wasn’t clingy even though he was needy at times. But not with things like this.

And maybe that’s why he had decided that he wouldn’t give in and just escape to his own room in the evening. No, he would ignore his nerves and just go for it. Phil couldn’t avoid making out with him forever.

Not that Dan had tried to kiss or touch Phil either… But it had always seemed somehow easier for Phil to initiate things, he seemed more relaxed about those kind of things. Dan was so much more self-conscious and always second guessing if it was a proper time or what if it would suddenly start feeling awkward after all.

So, Dan waited in his sofa crease wasting time in tumblr, until Phil started to seem tired. “I’m going to sleep”, Phil informed finally and closed his laptop with a yawn. Dan got up almost too quickly, which made Phil give him a questioning look. “Yeah, I’m coming too”, Dan hurried to say, so he wouldn’t seem so weird, but his stuttering seemed to just amuse Phil more.

“You just don’t want to turn off the lights by yourself”, Phil teased and pushed Dan out of the lounge. “Go on then, I’ll turn them off”, he said with a much sweeter smile, almost fond, and waited for Dan to leave the room before shutting the lights.

Dan tried to act normal and after a moment of pondering he ended leaving his pyjamas on even though he usually slept with just underwear on. Quickly he lifted Phil’s duvet and hid himself under it, all the while trying to calm his nerves. It shouldn’t have been so nerve wrecking, Dan had slept next to Phil plenty of times. For a moment Dan missed the time before they had become something more than friends. At least then he didn’t have to be nervous about just sharing the bed with Phil.

But that feeling disappeared as soon as Phil appeared next to the bed and pulled off his t-shirt. For a moment Dan had to think hard if Phil had always slept with just underwear and if so how the hell had he missed that.

“Have you always slept without your pyjamas?” Dan heard himself ask, as Phil pulled his pyjama pants off so he was only wearing boxer briefs and lifted the duvet. Phil gave Dan an amused laugh, clearly finding it funny how Dan seemed to be in the verge of face palming himself. “Not when you’ve slept next to me”, Phil said simply and laid on his back. “But I guess now that we’re together and all, it shouldn’t be such a big deal”, he continued and gave Dan a pointed look, which made Dan almost blush.

Where had this Phil been? He had always been just so respectful and understanding, never crossing any lines, always so careful. And now he seemed so relaxed and made Dan even more nervous.

“But I guess it’s still big deal for you, huh?” Phil teased, with playful eyes that made Dan lose his words completely. What was happening? Dan was usually the confident, teasing type, not Phil. Not like this any way.

“If you want for me to take them off, you only needed to ask”, Dan scoffed trying to deny that he was the only one blushing and squirming. “Go on then”, Phil said matter of factly, as if he would’ve been talking about the weather. But his eyes were teasing and amused when Dan turned to look at him with disbelieving look. Dan felt caught off guard by Phil’s behaviour and he wasn’t completely sure if he liked it. He was so used to Phil being sweet and funny, always just so kind.

But Dan wasn’t about to back down after trying to be bold himself, so overdramatically he pushed the duvet off and stood back up. Hastily and in the least sexy way Dan pulled his pyjama pants and t-shirt off, and it was all fine until he was done with undressing and just stood there, Phil’s eyes poring holes in his back.

When he finally got himself to turn around and meet Phil’s eyes, the teasing look in Phil’s eyes was long gone. Dan was sure he had never seen anyone else look at him like Phil looked at him. And it wasn’t like he would’ve been just eyeing Dan from head to toe, no, he looked simply adoring. In a way Dan might’ve always dreamt someone to look at him.

Dan drew confidence from Phil’s adoring eyes as he laid back down and turned on his side to face Phil. “What?” Dan asked a bit abruptly, starting to feel self-conscious again when the silence dragged along. “Just that you’re quite gorgeous”, Phil said and smiled sheepishly. Dan tried to will himself to not blush, but probably failed. He felt stupid for having such reactions to such ‘simple’ things. From anyone else, Dan would’ve just laughed and given some sarcastic retort or something. But with Phil, Dan couldn’t turn it around. Not anymore.

“If I would’ve known that this is the way to make you blush I would’ve said that aloud years ago, and not just in my head”, Phil said with a laugh in his voice, making Dan feel almost annoyed for how flustered he was feeling. “When we were younger, I remember thinking that you couldn’t get any prettier, but I was so wrong”, Phil laughed, and surprised Dan with the word choice. Though, apparently Dan didn’t mind at all, quite the contrary, hearing Phil call him pretty made his stomach feel all kinds of warm and fuzzy.

“You don’t need to try and woo me, you know”, Dan muttered not knowing other way to respond to Phil’s sweet talk. Phil gave out a happy laugh and waited only for another second before moving closer to Dan and placing his other hand on Dan’s hip. “Just saying…” Phil murmured with a big smile before closing the gap and – fucking finally – kissing Dan. 

Dan felt light headed when Phil pushed Dan on his back and leaned on top of him. It felt like forever from the last time they had made out, even though it had barely been a week. Dan knew it was bad, he knew his greediness would only get worse. The more Phil gave, the more Dan wanted.

Phil’s hand was placed steadily on Dan’s neck as if keeping Dan from trying to move too much. Dan enjoyed the restriction, but almost whined when Phil pulled away and he wasn’t able to follow. Dan was seconds away from starting an argument, when Phil moved properly on top of him pushing Dan’s legs apart his knees. The words got stuck in Dan’s throat, blocking the air way, and Dan couldn’t do anything else than just feel Phil’s skin against his. He felt a bit shocked with how he had barely had his hand under Phil’s shirt before, and suddenly he had Phil’s whole body against him, without almost anything to separate them.  It took him a long moment to get his lungs working again, and once he was ready to draw breath again, Phil leaned in for another kiss, blocking Dan’s airway again. Dan wasn’t too bothered, though. Who needed air, anyway?

Phil gave out the smallest little laugh when Dan was almost gasping for air the next time their lips parted. Yet he didn’t give Dan much time to steady his breathing, but leaned in for more, this time his lips searching, being more greedy. Dan swore that he would lose his mind, if Phil would yet again hit the breaks and stop before anything else could happen. He could feel Phil was as into it as he was, so Dan would be properly pissed if…

Before Dan could actually worry about the possibility of Phil pulling away, Phil slowly grinded against Dan, drawing a small gasp out of Dan. Phil pulled back for a second, as if making sure Dan was fine, but luckily didn’t need to wonder it too long, before continuing to kiss Dan senseless.

Dan thought the kissing wouldn’t get any better, but then Phil went and kissed down his jaw and neck, making Dan lose his breath yet again. Dan pulled Phil closer even though they were already flushed against each other, but still it didn’t seem to be close enough. Nothing seemed close enough.

“Phil”, Dan almost whined when Phil kept on mauling his neck relentlessly. Dan could feel Phil smiling against his neck, when a needy sound escaped Dan’s lips. Dan would’ve wanted to give Phil a good push for finding Dan’s arousal amusing, but of course he didn’t have enough self-restraints left to do anything else than keep pulling Phil closer.

Like an overly eager teenager Dan couldn’t keep himself from lifting his hips to meet Phil’s gentle push, just to get things moving. But apparently it had the opposite effect, and made Phil find leverage for his hand and push himself off so he could meet Dan’s eyes. But Dan wasn’t having any of it. Nope, not this time.

“Just shut the fuck up”, Dan almost growled, half irritated half extremely turned on. Before Phil could even register what Dan had said, Dan pushed Phil next to him and swapped their positions, almost pinning Phil against the bed. Phil was wide eyed and looked surprised, but didn’t do anything to stop Dan, so Dan just surged down to connect their lips once again. Phil didn’t seem to mind at all, just brought his hands to Dan’s neck, holding him in place as if he would’ve needed any holding.

But because Dan had seriously ran out of patience, he didn’t linger too long on Phil’s lips, before wandering down Phil’s neck and collar bone. “Dan”, Phil said voice a bit muffled, but again it was a call and Dan was seriously sick of it. From that moment on, he wanted Phil to only moan his name. With this though in mind, Dan whipped his head up and looked down on Phil with fierce eyes.

“We’re together now, that’s what you said. So, if you say anything else than ‘more’, or ‘please’, I swear to God…” Dan spoke, but didn’t actually know what he would do. He just knew, he wouldn’t be having it. They had been going back and forth long enough.

Fierce or not, Dan’s expression and words only made Phil give out a quick laugh and shake his head in amusement. “Well in that case, please go on”, Phil smiled, some of that adornment still present in his eyes. With a pleased huff Dan leaned down again, this time scooting downwards so he could kiss Phil’s stomach and touch his sides. Just two or three rushed kisses later, Phil found himself little out of breath, when Dan moved to mouth Phil through his briefs. He knew Dan would be the death of him, but the way Dan was slowly torturing him to death didn’t seem like the worst way to go.

Somehow Dan had lost all the nervousness along the way and dragging Phil’s briefs down came easy. And once there was nothing separating Dan’s mouth from Phil’s dick, Dan didn’t even need to make conscious decisions before acting on his urges. Phil gave a strangled breath when Dan slid his mouth down Phil’s dick, a hand appearing on Dan’s hair. “Dan”, Phil exhaled and tugged Dan’s hair lightly, making something hot coil in Dan’s stomach. Dan had imagined having Phil like this countless of times before, but when it was actually happening, his brain could barely handle it. Time was moving fast, making it hard for Dan’s brains to keep up, his body working on its own instead.

Only when Phil snapped his hips up and unintentionally made Dan gag a bit, their eyes met. As ridiculous as it seemed, considering Dan still had Phil’s dick in his mouth, Dan felt the tiniest bit of shy. There under Phil’s eyes Dan couldn’t stop himself from pushing himself of so he could crawl over Phil and connect their lips. Somehow Dan couldn’t stand the way Phil was looking at him and the self-conscious thoughts that kept nagging in his mind, trying to ruin the moment he had dreamt for so long.

Phil moaning into his mouth, slowed down the train of thought trying to distract Dan from enjoying the moment. “What do you want?” Phil whispered against Dan’s lips, hands sliding into Dan’s hair, this time more gentle, almost too gentle, making Dan’s chest ache with worry. Because now that he knew how it felt like, having Phil touch him like that, Dan didn’t know how to be without it. And after the worry Dan had felt the night before they had had the big talk and decided to be together for real, Dan was positive he never wanted to feel that anxiousness again. He wanted to have Phil like this always.

“Dan…” Phil said quietly and for once it wasn’t said as a call to make Dan slow down. Now it was said to slow down the thoughts running wild in Dan’s head, to calm him down. As was the gentle press on lips Phil reached up to give Dan. Like a small reminder that he was still there, as if knowing exactly what Dan was thinking. It wasn’t so weird for Dan to have thought Phil would’ve been aware of Dan’s feelings for all this time, with the way he always seemed to know what was going on in Dan’s head. Knowing when to drag Dan out of his own head and keep him grounded.

“I just want you”, Dan exhaled and could feel Phil’s hold on his hair getting tighter. “Yeah?” Phil breathed out and kissed Dan almost too sweetly. It wasn’t that Dan wouldn’t have enjoyed it, but he wasn’t used to it. For him sex has always been more or less just heated bites and lusty moans, none of these sweet whispers and gentle kisses. They made Dan feel vulnerable in a way he would’ve been uncomfortable if he would’ve been with anyone else than Phil.

“Yeah”, Dan said a bit weekly and let Phil kiss him senseless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been forever since the last update. So sorry if anyone waited. I did kind of lose the inspiration for this story, but I'll try and get i back since I hate leaving things unfinished.
> 
> Hope you enjoy x

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think, comments and kudos are always welcome! x


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